Manipulating the mentalist
by TheDrunkenWerewolf
Summary: It was once said that it is often the abused that become the abusers themselves. The same is true for Ichimaru Gin. He abused Kira because Aizen abused him. A mirror story to ‘My imitated smile’. Has some graphic abuse scenes and profanities throughout.
1. Prologue

I don't own bleach and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. Come on folks, I may be good, but I'm not _that _good.

This is the second instalment of my 'tales of the manipulated'. A mirror to Izuru's story, "My imitated smile". A story in which gaps will be filled and the other half of the story will be told. Again, this will be a story detailing pain, angst, suffering, despair and physical and mental abuse – this time of Gin.

This is a mature rated story, mainly because of the adult themes and the sexual and psychological abuse. Minors really should not be here. This story gets dark, twisted, and violent in places. And I warn you now there will be graphic abuse scenes and some amount of bad language.

There _also may_ be some implied AizenxGin if, and only if, you want it to be so. Again, like with 'My imitated smile' it is not written as yaoi and any implications are unintentional unless explicitly stated otherwise. So just interpret it as you wish.

All feedback is welcome and reviews are optional, but if you simply _must_ review please be nice and keep all criticism constructive. I really do appreciate _all_ of my reviews, and so will most likely end up replying to some of them.

All that said, enjoy this twisted tale of the manipulation of the mentalist that is Ichimaru Gin.

* * *

"Mentalist, noun - Someone who uses mental acuity, hypnosis and/or suggestion. A master manipulator of thoughts and behaviour"  
- definition taken from The Mentalist

**Prologue: A definition**

Ichimaru Gin was a mentalist. A manipulator.

But even the manipulators can get manipulated. As seen in this case, where the very definition of the word would get completely redefined.

Now the manipulator here is someone that would be thought as someone kind and trusting. One who you could rely on. But there was another side to him. A darker side. A twisted side. A side that nobody else except Gin would ever know of. A side that would break Gin down completely, and never rebuild him again. A side that would hurt and scar him so much that the wounds would never disappear. Create wounds that not even time could heal. The smile of Ichimaru Gin hides more than meets the eye. It is this smile that hides the suffering. It is this smile that masks pain.

It is this smile that lies, has been lying, and will always continue to lie.

Ichimaru Gin was indeed a manipulator, even from the very beginning. But what happened when he met a mentalist with abilities far greater in the realms of manipulation than his own?

How does one manipulate the mentalist?

Let me tell you the story from the beginning. And tell you how Gin was manipulated, and the story of how he became both an abuser and an abused. But let me warn you now, this is no heart warming story, and there are no happy endings here.


	2. So, it begins

"The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers."  
- Carl Jung

**Chapter 1: So, it begins**

When Gin first laid eyes on Kira Izuru he was afraid. No, terrified is a better word. Terrified of the hollows that were attacking him and his friends, terrified of dying, terrified of _him_. It could be said that not much has changed since in the many years they had known each other, and for good reasons. But this will all be explained in due time, for that is not the focus here. Gin did indeed rescue Kira and save his life, but the man accompanying Gin was the main focus of the other two: Sousuke Aizen. It is him with which Gin's story begins.

Gin had not been a fukutaichou for very long. And even though he had known and worked under Aizen for many years, he really did not know that much about him. If anything at all. So, when Aizen invites Gin in to talk, Gin agrees. Naturally, a fukutaichou wants to know everything about their taichou, and vice versa. It is, after all, the foundation of any good working relationship.

This invitation is given on the way back to the barracks. It was a warm night, not overly warm, but moderate. And Gin followed his taichou as they headed back for the night, ready to crash out before another long day at the office.

"Aiya, whatta day huh?"

"Yes, quite."

"Wonder what would've happened, ya know, if we hadn' a shown up."

"They probably would have died."

Gin shrugged. "Meh, wouldn'a made no difference if they did."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that."

"Oh, ya got some kinda plan fer 'em I see."

"One could say that." Aizen let out a small smirk, smiling with his eyes as much as he did with his teeth. Looking quite sinister as he made that remark, this hinted at something lurking behind those lenses that lay in front of his eyes. A plan involving those three they had just rescued.

They continued walking until they reached Aizens room. Again, in silence. Like they would always walk, somewhat distanced from each other. Always.

"Coming in for a drink?"

"Alright."

Gin stepped shyly over the threshold; he had never been in his taichou's room before, and was unsure whether or not to relax his guard. He seemed slightly unnerved, so Aizen poured him a glass of sake and handed it to him.

"Gin, I want to talk to you, or rather, tell you about many things. I have the ability to make you stronger Gin, the ability to open a new world. Would you come with me?"

A new world? What was he talking about? Gin didn't really know, but he was enthralled by this concept.

"Aizen Taichou, I'm intrigued. Are ya gonna tell me more?"

"Yes, only if I tell you, you promise to follow me. And you promise to follow my instructions no matter what they are. Are you absolutely sure you want to know? Because you can walk out of this door right now and we will never speak of this again. Right now, you have a choice, you can either pick the blue or red pill."

Maybe curiosity got the better of him, but Gin wanted to know what Aizen was hiding. In which case, curiosity would indeed kill the cat.

"Taichou, I wanna know. I wanna get stronger like ya said. An' I wanna follow ya."

"Are you sure?"

Aizen raised his eyebrow, looking at Gin. Expecting him to refuse him now and leave, but he didn't. He stayed. Silently asking him if he was absolutely sure that this was what he wanted.

"Yeah. Bu' ya said I gotta promise somethin' righ'? Well, what 'ave I gotta give ya in return?"

Aizen then suddenly grabbed the back of Gin's neck and forced him to the floor, roughly. His hand starting to slowly squeeze the neck within its grasp.

"Everything."


	3. Young, weak and vulnerable

The second half of chapter one. It was originally going to be left out because I had issues with it. But then I regretted cutting it so I decided to put it back in. plus it makes the story flow more and makes things much more interesting. I couldn't be bothered to go through and change all the chapter numbers though, hence the part 2.

* * *

"Pain is inevitable. For it is a part of life."  
- TDW

**Chapter 1.2: The young, the weak and the vulnerable**

Gin yelped in pain when he hit the floor, now starting to panic, wondering what exactly was going to happen next.

"What the fuck're you…"

"Shut up"

He felt Aizen's fingertips pressure either side of his neck on the jugular veins, making him wince for the pain. Aizen was holding him firmly down and working his hands down his body. Aizen breath shook as he spoke.

"Strip."

"What th' fuck?"

"Do it."

Gin was shocked and scrambled to his feet as his eyes widened in horror as thoughts of escape flooded his mind. He needed to get out.

_"Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit!"_

A shudder of panic ran right through him as Aizen's hands wandered down his shoulders, taking the clothes off him and breathing down his neck. He could only stand still, he couldn't move. Either from the overbearing reitsu or from his fear. He didn't know which.

What kind of nightmare was Gin in now?

He knew he had to get out, now. He was only half undressed, maybe he could make a run for it.

He broke off, sprinting towards the door, still scared. It was obvious what was going to happen next. He was fast, but not fast enough. Before he even made it to the door Aizen had dived on him and slammed him to the ground.

"Trying to escape from me, bitch?" he snarled, fingers clenched into Gin's snowy white hair, slapping him across the face. Then forcing Gin onto his back and quickly undressing himself. Gin whimpered as Aizen touched his neck. He was being held down and he despised anybody touching his neck. But he couldn't move, Aizen was above him and holding him there, so that he couldn't try and escape again. He couldn't fight back either.

As Aizen's hands worked their way down him Gin clenched his teeth. Aizen's hands wandered down further to between his legs, making Gin yelp again as they caused more pain.

"ahh, no… st- stop, you're hurting me… Taichou stop!"

A shooting pain tore through his body as he was thrown onto his stomach and Aizen pushed himself into him, violating his fragile form. Gin screamed.

It was so degrading and agonizingly painful. Aizen's fingers dug into his wrists and made him bleed more and more as he roughly mounted and fucked him. All the while Gin crying and screaming in protest. Pain was all that existed there.

"Ugh… no, please…"

Gin begged and pleaded for Aizen to stop but he didn't listen. He wasn't listening any more. He was only interested in one thing and that one thing only.

It was so degrading and painful. Gin tried to shut it out, to blank out what was happening, but he couldn't. It was all too vivid, all too clear. But the trauma he suffered that night was only the beginning of it.

And after he was done, after Aizen had enough of him and reluctantly pulled himself out of him, he got up and ordered Gin to dress himself and leave. And in complete and utter silence, somehow Gin then dragged his aching body up and got to his feet, opened the door, and staggered back to his own room. Where he then curled up and waited for sleep to claim him, still crying and bleeding everywhere.


	4. Genuine warmth

"It has been said that our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength."  
- Charles Haddon Spurgeon

**Chapter 2: Genuine warmth**

The day after, Gin was seen to be walking cheerfully down the corridors; he had some time to himself so he decided to go for a walk. His footsteps softly sounding on the wooden floor beneath his feet with each step he made, when he came across a rather unusual sight in one of the spare rooms he was walking past that made him head turn.

It was a boy, a young shinigami, and he was in quite a state of despair. Gin stopped, pausing momentarily in the doorway to gather his thoughts. This boy looked a mess. He was crying his little eyes out and sitting slumped against the wall. What had happened to this kid?

"Wow, you look terrible."

The boy swallowed, a look of fear now filling his eyes as fresh tears rolled down his face, staining his pale skin with the sadness that they bore.

"Now this simply will not do." Gin stated, sauntering across the room and over to him. Crouching down to the boys level.

"Hm? What's wrong?"

He asked again as he reaches out and lifts the boys chin up so that he could see his face properly.

"Why are tears falling from such a pretty face?"

And indeed, he did have a pretty face, blonde hair, beautiful blue tear filled eyes, a porcelain face that still had a sense of innocence about it. His eyes were of a deep blue, like the ocean. Eyes like that were supposed to be bright, not so full of sadness and heartache. His lovely pale skin wasn't meant to be stained by tears of sorrow. Gin hated the sad stories, he always had. People were meant to be happy right?

"Smile for me why don'tchya? It aint the end of the world."

This was probably the closest anyone else besides Aizen had ever gotten to Gin's face that they were probably able to see his eyes. And this boy, a stranger, thought to be a weakling from the fourth division, was now only inches away from one of the most feared people in the whole of the Seireitei. But he didn't seem to be as afraid of him as the others he had met. Anyone else would be panicking now. But this boy was… different. It was a refreshing difference.

"A kid like you should smile more often, so cheer up fer me kay? I don' like seein' people so sad."

Gin wasn't the type of person to pry, so he didn't ask what was wrong. All he knew was that when you were upset, you just needed someone to be there. So he didn't ask.

Gin smiled at him.  
"I gotta go kid."

Gin got up and once again sauntered over to the door, lingering in the doorway for a few seconds before departing and leaving the boy to his own devices, still smiling as he left.

"Byebye."


	5. Promises promises

This chapter was inspired by my something my dad once said: "Never trust anyone who says 'trust me'."

* * *

"Some people make promises for the pleasure of breaking them."  
- William Hazlett

**Chapter 3: Promises promises**

Gin went back into the office that day, greeted again by Aizen behind the desk.

"Gin, I want you to meet me in the training hall in the east block later."

"But, why?"

"There will be an upcoming position for captain of division three, and I want to get you ready for it."

"Oh, I see."

"Just make sure you are not followed."

Gin didn't say anything else. He thought about it for the rest of the day, but when night fell, what he expected was far from the reality he would encounter. But what did he really expect? Would it be another repeat of the last time?

It was dusk now, and Gin silently walked down to the training room, every so often glancing behind him to make sure that nobody was stalking him on his way there. He never did this usually, but he couldn't help that ever growing feeling of paranoia in his gut that told him he was being followed. Being watched.

When he reached the door to his destination, he took another quick look to both the left and the right of him before he entered, only to find Aizen kneeling in the center of the bare room. It had been a long time since Gin had been in here.

"Aizen Taichou?"

Aizen looked at him, still with his calm eyes. "Oh good, you're here. Remove your wakizashi, you will not need it here."

Gin complied. Not fully knowing what to expect. He removed Shinsou from his belt and placed it down by the wall as he watched Aizen rise to his feet. And then unsheathe his own sword.

"What do ya want me to do?"

"Pick up one of those swords on the rack. And attack me."

Gin stepped over to the rack of katana's mounted onto the far wall of the room, taking in each one of them, swords that a rookie would use. And each one was identical, so there were no tricks. It was just a matter of Gin's preference which one he chose. So, it would be back to basics.

"Now, I want you to attack me Gin."

Gin looked nervously back at him. How was this fair? Better yet, how would he react?

"If you can land a single cut on me, either by that blade or through kidou, then I will deem you strong enough for the position."

But still Gin stared nervously at him, unsure as to how exactly his taichou would retaliate if Gin attacked him. He unsheathed the blade very slowly, this was going to be his weapon now.

"Don't worry, I will not hurt you."

Aizen smiled, his warm smile and soft eyes compelling the younger of the two to place his faith in him.

"Trust me…"

Gin swallowed, taking a deep breath. Letting go of all that plagued him, this was his enemy now. And even if Gin did manage to injure him, he was sure that Aizen was able to take care of himself. If he couldn't, then, he wasn't a very good captain. Especially if he was not capable of defending himself.

Gin exhaled again, using shunpo to lunge at Aizen head on. Only he was blocked. Aizen tutted, "you're too predictable."

Gin leapt off him, aiming for all of the vital spots on Aizen's body, getting blocked every time he attacked.

"Gin when are you actually going to attack me?"

Gin gritted his teeth and growled silently as he disappeared and ended up behind Aizen, poised mid-air ready to lop off his head.

"Hadou no ichi…"

Gin gasped, before being flung against the wall with his back hitting it first before he hit the floor with a thud. He struggled to get up, panting heavily.

"Ya promised tha' ya wouldn' hurt me…"

"When did I ever promise that?"

Gin gritted his teeth as pain surged through his lower back. Clearly he was going to have to work at this. Aizen was not going easy on him so getting stronger was going to take some time.

Days went by and each night went similarly, with Gin walking away with numerous cuts and bruises. When kidou was being practiced, Gin was often hit when something was done wrong or if he forgot the chant. If his defences were too relaxed he was attacked and often floored. On one occasion he was grasped by the neck and Aizen had pinned him with his blade to Gin's throat. Some time of this went past and every night it was the same. It was like Aizen changed personalities when they went into that room. When he was alone with Gin he suddenly became so different from when he was normally. He would be vicious and cold, not warm like he normally was. It was true that Aizen wanted him strong, but Gin could not help but feel that he did beat him and cut him purposely. This continued for a long time, but gin couldn't get out of it. Nothing Gin said would excuse him from it. Aizen was watching his every move. He couldn't escape, not really. And if he did it wasn't for long. Claiming to be sick only gave him a couple of days. After which Aizen would make sure that he trained.

Gin would try and attack him but to no use, Aizen was just too strong for him at his current state. One night Gin just snapped and ran at him, getting thrown onto the floor again with his lip bleeding, among other wounds.

"Ya know," Gin spat, not really thinking. Glaring up at Aizen as he dripped blood, "you're a real _bastard_, ya know that?"

Aizen's eyes narrowed and Gin watched as he walked over towards him as he was lying there. He felt a hand clench a fistful of his hair and pull upwards so that Aizen's eyes were right in front of his, making sure that eye contact was made.

"What did you say?"

Gin coughed, feeling nothing but pain in his head as Aizen pulled his hair. Gin chocked again.

"You fucker…"

Gin then felt numerous blows to his ribs and stomach, each one making him cry out in pain.

"Don't. you. ever. Say that again…"

His eyes were seeing red, what the fuck was Aizen doing? Why was he hurting him like this? This was even worse than before.

When Aizen had regained some sense and stopped, he looked down at the bewildered Gin. The Gin that had just been beaten. He was kneeling down and looking over him, watching him breathe heavily and look up at him with his shocked red eyes.

He didn't say anything as he left. Not watching Gin slowly curl up into the fetal position as he continued to breathe shakily.


	6. Enter Kira

"We fear the things we cannot see, and the things we do not know."  
- TDW

**Chapter 4: Enter Kira**

Gin lay there until the morning. He couldn't move, and he didn't really want to move. His ribs were bruised and his stomach hurt, and every time he tried to get up the pain made him double over in agony. So eventually he fell asleep curled up in that empty room, alone. After lying still in the fetal position for hours, he eventually did drift off to sleep. Nobody knew he was there, and he was sure there was nobody that would come looking for him either. When he woke up he was still in pain. But he still had to drag himself up for work. So grudgingly he pulled himself up and managed to get himself out of the door, still in pain when he walked. It was still painful even to move.

He walked on the balls of his feet, because this hurt the least on his way into the office. He hesitated when reaching for the door handle. Was Aizen going to be there? His eyes darted to the clock, gathering that he was slightly early. He couldn't remember whether his taichou arrived early or late. Trauma did absolutely nothing for his memory. But their meeting would be inevitable. That he had already known, despite how much he'd wanted to avoid him.

He breathed deeply, gathered himself, and walked in, still not quite ready for it. Not quite ready for the sudden return to normalcy. Normality. Going back to the way it was, acting as if nothing had ever happened. This transition between the two different personalities of Aizen Sousuke would always shock Gin. He would never comprehend how he could go back to work the next day and act like that. It would be like walking on eggshells, one false move here would make it worse when the other personality took over. no matter how many times it would occur. Indeed, he was waiting for him. Today, he was early. Unfortunately.

"Good morning Ichimaru."

Gin swallowed, trying to steady his shaking voice as he responded. Metaphorically putting on his mask for the day.

"Mornin' Taichou."

"Your examination will begin at noon. Be there at the general commanders' office on time, and not late like you usually are for meetings."

"But, what examination?"

Aizen looked up, seemingly not amused at having been asked such a stupid question. Glaring at his subordinate with displeasure.

"I have put you in for the examination that will determine your suitability for captaincy. Please do not be late." he said calmly, shuffling the papers that were occupying his hands.

"But... I didn't cut you."

This response was met with the superior displaying one cleanly made cut on the inside of his forearm. Much to the shock of the other present. Gin was stunned into silence. He had actually managed to cut him, once.

"You did."

He then re-covered his arm, effectively hiding the whereabouts of his wound. Gin had two hours to ready himself for his upcoming trials. These of which would last for a good three hours.

He would be tested in demon arts, sword combat, theory and zanpaktou materialisation, which included bankai. There he would be overseen by the general commander and two other respective captains. Excluding Aizen for this was the protocol, which was there to prevent favouritism and lenience towards the candidate. This fact Gin was the most grateful for, the pressure would be enough without his taichou there and he didn't need any additional stress that could affect his abilities. When the time came Gin went in there, despite being a nervous wreck thinking about what the consequences would be if he failed. What kind of abuse would be in store for him if he was deemed unsuitable by the panel. But in the end after much nerve wracking deliberation, they graded him well. And the overseers - Juushiro Ukitake and Retsu Unohana - had informed him of his new position. His knees nearly buckled beneath him when he was told. He had almost expected to fail after a struggled bankai release due to the nerves.

Gin walked out of that room with his head held high. He had done well, despite what it took for him to be able to get there. Walking down the outside pathway he didn't notice that Aizen was there leaning against the wall and waiting for him. Appearing subtly beside Gin as he walked past.

"Were you successful?"

Gin just smiled.

"Yep."

"Then I am very proud."

They both went silent as other shinigami's went by them, each one of them giving Gin as wide a birth as possible.

Fear.

"Your next task is to appoint a good second. Do you know of Kira Izuru?"

"I think so."

"Find him. He will be useful for us."

"Hai Taichou."

And with that, they parted ways.

Kira wasn't hard to track down. After all, a newly appointed captain looking for subordinates had pretty much unlimited access to all the relavent records. Trawling through the filing cabinets he eventually came across the right one.

"Ah, here we go. Kira Izuru... I know jus' where to find ya."

Walking back to his new division, he came across Hanatarou.

"Hey Hana-chan."

"Oh, why hello mister Ichimaru... sir."

"Cha, don' be so formal. Nobody ever calls me 'sir'. Anyway, I gotta lil task fer ya. Can ya go run on over to th' fourth comp'ny an' fetch me a kid by th' name of Kira Izuru. Can ya do tha' for me? Tell 'im he's been promoted."

Hanatraou jumped up almost immediately, before running off to find Kira, and he just happened to know exactly where he was.

"Okay mister Ichimaru-san I'll go get him for you!"

Gin was waiting for him back in the office. The news had spread that Kira was indeed the second in command to infamous Ichimaru Gin. He would be here any time now. Of course, Gin knew him, he just wanted to have a proper introduction first. People like to be introduced first before they started working together. Or at least, that was what Gin thought.  
When the boy eventually did come in, most likely after considering running away, for Gin had heard the pacing from outside the door, Gin wastched his expression simply hit the floor as soon as he realised who he was working for.

"Good afternoon Taichou! I'm Kira Izu-"  
He just stopped there mid sentence when he realised it was Gin. Who waited a couple of minutes before responding.

"_Oya, an' yer the new fukutaichou round here?"_

"Y- yes sir."

"_The names Gin. Ichimaru Gin."_

"It… it's an honor to be working with you… Ichimaru Taichou."  
Izuru then stated, seemingly forcing his reply through the fear that surrounded him. The typical response anyone gave: stuttering, eyes widening, reluctance to be around him. Gin had seen them all. But this one was... different. It was a familiar kind of difference. But he wasn't sure why this was. He thought deeply, his eyes opening slightly. Maybe they had met before.

"An' what's yer name?"

"Kira Izuru, sir."

"Oh, Izuru huh?" he then asked, trying to put the name to any familiar faces that he knew. "Haven' I seen you somewhere before?"

Kira swallowed hard. "Yes. Yes you have…"

Gin thought hard. Had they met before? If they had, then he just couldn't place it. But then again, he had been shaken up considerably, and that could have made him forget things. Places, people.

"Aiya, then I'm a sure tha' we're gonna get along great." He smiled, still trying to ponder where exactly they had met before.  
"Ne? Why ya gotta look so serious for? I aint gonna bite. I won't hurt ya none."

Kira looked afraid. But then again, wasn't everybody? Well, everybody except Aizen. But if they had met before then wouldn't Kira be more relaxed?

"Don'tchya like me? Izuru-kun?"  
He shrugged it off. Maybe the boy would warm to him.

"Its okay if ya don't like me now… but I hope tha' in time ya'll change yer mind. Cuz I really wan' ya to like me, I hope we can be friends."

But it was that moment that it hit him. And Gin realised that the crying whelp he had met before, the young boy with the blonde hair, the ocean blue eyes and the porcelain face was him.


	7. A quiet word

This chapter was inspired by Behind closed doors by Peter Andre. Good song. Since writing this I've since built up an extensive playlist of songs to listen to whenever I write these stories. Music is one of the things that influences what I write.

* * *

"Tempt him not so too far; I wish, forbear:  
In time we hate that which we often fear."  
- William Shakespeare, Antony and Cleopatra

**Chapter 5: A quiet word**

Gin stretched out with his hand, gesturing for Kira to follow him.

"Why don't'tchya come wi' me?"

"Ha- hai taichou."

Kira followed Gin that day. Still a little nervous, but he did follow Gin. And for the first time Gin knew what it felt like to have somebody follow him like that. They didn't really do anything important, they were just going for a general walk, to attempt to put the new fukutaichou at ease, and just so that they could talk. Get to know each other more. They were going to be working together from now on, so it made sense that they should at least talk to each other. They were getting on quite well, but later on in the day they ran into Aizen passing by through one of the courtyards. And he and Gin had a rather quiet discussion.

"So Gin, how are you finding it?"

"It's alrigh'. I'm still kinda getting' used to it."

"As expected." he smiled again, looking down at Kira. "Not giving you any trouble is he?"

He watched as Kira silently shook his head as he looked up at them both as the then looked away and continued their conversation in lowered voices so the lieutenant couldn't hear them. And Aizen's voice suddenly became harsher.

"He still distrusts me."

"Then make him loyal to you. I don't care what it takes."

"You mean threaten him."

"Threaten him, drown him, do whatever you want. I strongly suggest you drown the whelp if he proves useless."

Gin glanced down at 'the whelp' quickly. Guilty, surely he wasn't what Aizen was saying that he was. Because to Aizen, Gin was a trembling whelp, and Kira was better than that. Gin wasn't as pure as that. Not any more.

The both of them exchanged knowing glances, Gin's smile wavering minutely.

"Well, I'm sure you two have to get going." Aizen smiled again, his voice flicking back to normal, the act. Softening again to be the voice that everybody knew.

The lie.

"I'll see you two later." He smiled, continuing to walk on. His voice again lowering when he spoke quietly to Gin.

"Friday."

Gin froze. He knew what that meant. And he could only watch and wait, dreading that day. He'd want him on Friday. He had five days.

The time until then didn't seem to be long enough. So when that Friday eventually came around, Gin was on edge. Even though he wouldn't let it show. He couldn't let it show, it would make him look weak and vulnerable. Both he and Kira were working late that evening, because he forgot some things that should have been done earlier that day, but his memory had suffered greatly recently. It was late, very late in the evening now. And Gin knew that he couldn't put this off forever, no matter how hard he would try. He let out one long sigh, Kira was growing tired. And making him stay up for much longer would just be harsh.

"Oh Kira-kun… ya can finish early t'day if ya want. I gotta go see Aizen Taichou fer somethin."

Gin's gaze drew downwards; he really didn't want to have to do this. Go through this pain and humiliation again. But maybe there was a chance that it wouldn't happen this time.

"What? This late at night?"

"Hm? Yeah." Gin looked up momentarily, his eyes glazing over, not really looking his second in the face now. His reply was forced; he didn't want to have to answer any more questions.

"_Please Kira, please to gods Kira just don't ask any more questions…"_

What he really didn't want to have to explain was why he had to go see Aizen at this hour. He didn't want to have to go through making up some inconvenient lie, hiding the real reason.

"Why don't ya go take a hot bath or somethin'. I'll finish up here tomorrow."

There. He had attracted the kids attention away from question asking. He didn't have to go through the uncomfortable sensation of explaining. He was ashamed enough as it was that it had happened, and didn't want to actually acknowledge the fact that he didn't know what to do about it. He could handle it, right?

"Oh, thankyou taichou. I'll see you tomorrow morning then."

After that he got up and left. He really didn't want to go. He wished so much that he could run away. But he knew what Aizen was capable of, and that he really had no choice but to go. He walked slowly, dragging each step out for as long as possible. Only delaying the inevitable.

"You're late."

Nothing was said. Excuses were futile. So was apologising.

"So, does he trust you now?"

"No."

"What? Surely by now he would have at least warmed up to you."

That was true; his bond with Kira was indeed growing stronger. But if Aizen knew about that then what would he do? Make him hurt Kira?

"If we are to make any progress then you are to gain his trust by whatever means necessary, understand?"

Oh, so that was his plan. Gaining the boys trust. But for what? Just so that he could make Gin break it again? Just so that he could watch him fall apart when he got betrayed? If Gin was going to gain the trust of Kira, then it would be on his own terms, and for his own reasons.

Aizen raised his eyebrows.

"Gin?"

"Oh, I understand. Bu' I aint gonna do it."

"What?"

He seemed taken back, not really expecting Gin to refuse. He had even stopped writing. Gin swallowed and somehow managed to screw together all of his courage to stand up for what he thought.

"I said… I aint gonna do it. Not just to watch ya break him again."

Aizen said nothing. He only quietly got up off his chair and stepped over to gin, whose fists were clenched and trembling by his sides. Staring him out as he watched quietly as Gin stood there, trying not to show his fear.

Then he slapped him. So hard that Gins head was forced to the side. Gin didn't even look at him; he kept his head turned away. It hurt.

"Going to defy me again?"

Still Gin didn't look. He didn't want to look. He didn't want to face him again, or meet those cold emotionless eyes that would see red. Another facial slap resulted.

"Look at me."

It happened too quickly. The hand was in his hair again and pulling harshly, his head smashing the corner of the desk and making him bleed as he was thrown aside like a rag doll. Like an unwanted puppet. He struggled to get up but another blow to the ribs stopped him.

"Fucking bitch!"

"Ugh."

Gin was beaten again, receiving multiple blows to the head and his stomach, getting bruises on his arms from trying to defend himself from Aizen's hits. He tried to get up and run, despite the immense pain he was in. But Aizen grabbed his arm, twisting it behind Gins back, causing yet more pain and rendering him immobile. He twisted Gins wrist further, making him scream for the pain.

"Excruciating isn't it?"

"Yes!"

"This is the price of defying me Gin."

He twists Gin's wrist around more and Gin screamed again. The pain was unbearable.

Aizen let a sinister smile come across him, contemplating the amount of damage he could cause.

"Hm, you know, I could chop your arm off right now. If I so desired it…"

"No please don't!"

"Hmph. It is my arm now, I will do as I like with it."

"God NO!"

"You are helpless now, correct?"

"Yes."

Gin breathed harshly, replying to him through gritted teeth and growling slightly. But Aizen heard this low growl and pushed Gin's arm up further behind his back.

"Are you going to gain his trust now?" he asked, tightening his grip on his wrist.

"No!"

"Wrong answer." Aizen said, again twisting Gin's arm and squeezing his wrist hard, digging in so much that it caused blood to pour onto the back of his hand, causing pain to shoot through Gin's being, making him screech in agony.

"I shall not ask again, are you going to gain his trust for me?"

Gin's wrist made a rather loud click and Gin howled.

"Hai!"

"Good."

Aizen then dropped Gin so that he hit the floor, and left. Gin broke down shortly after. And still cradling his throbbing arm, he slowly started to cry.


	8. Drowning your sorrows I

Okay, before anybody decides to complain here please let me clarify something- Aizen's character is supposed to be inconsistent. There is a reason for this. I cannot talk about it here for fear of spoiling the other story about Aizen's side of it, but he is supposed to be unstable in this plot.

* * *

"It is often known that people go to drown their sorrows, but what they don't know is that this is impossible. No matter now much you try to drown it, sorrow always floats."  
- TDW

**Chapter 6: Drowning your sorrows in the literal sense**

What had happened? He didn't know. He didn't know how it all went wrong. How the tables turned so quickly. His arm was still throbbing as he lay there sobbing, cradling the bleeding hand and letting the tears of hurt and betrayal fall, staining his face. He could only lie there hurting. Not just physically, but emotionally. Psychologically. And he could only think about what went wrong. What he couldn't do, what he was powerless to stop. And he thought of the cause of it all: Kira.

Kira was the start of all this. Kira was the cause of this hurt, of this abuse. At first he had stood up for him, tried to protect him. But why should he if he was just going to suffer like this and hurt so much inside?

"Why couldn't I stop it?"

He cried for what seemed like an eternity, until he could cry no more. Until he was out of tears. Until his eyes were bloodshot and as sore as his battered and bruised body. His breathing was laboured, but slowing down. His heart was still pounding in his ears. But then again, he had just suffered some blunt force trauma to the head. That probably messed him up more than anything. But after two or three attempts of trying to get up and collapsing from lack of upper body strength, he managed to get to his feet. He was still a little unsteady, but he still managed to stand up relatively straight. And although he was somewhat disorientated, he started walking. He didn't smile. He didn't have the energy in him to smile now.

He wasn't sure where exactly he was going, but something in him told him where to go. Everything was still hazy; it was like walking through a dream world. But something consumed him. Anger? Hurt? Betrayal? Bitterness? All of the above? He wasn't sure, there were so many conflicting emotions within him right now that he wasn't sure what he was feeling.

There was nobody around since it was late, and everybody had either gone out or gone to bed. He stood outside the door to the bathroom, seeing through bloodshot eyes, finding himself going in. The door wasn't locked. He closed it shut behind him so that it clicked and stood there for a moment, trying to steady himself on his feet again. He clutched his abdomen as pain made another quick run through it. He had been tenderised. He hissed and clenched his teeth. He was hurting, he was in pain, he was angry.

He was angry at himself for letting this happen. Hurt and in a substantial amount of unnecessary pain. His ribs shook painfully with every breath he took, and he stood there breathing uneasily looking at the body in the bathtub.

"Izuru."

He snarled silently, gritting his teeth and looking down at him with the utmost contempt. He was asleep. Gin was standing over the fukutaichou now. He was looking down at the cause of all this hurt and abuse he was suffering. This was why Aizen had hurt him, beaten him and thrown him head first into the desk. Nearly broken his arm and threatened to chop it off. All because of one small, weak, pathetic and useless boy. Gin's lip quivered. He was suffering because of _him? _Aizen was angry because of _this runt?_

He flicked the lights on, temporarily blinding the boy, and before he had any chance to react Gin lunged for him, taking hold of his neck and shoving him under the water.

"You piece of shit!"

Kira tried to struggle but it was no use, Gin was too strong for him. He thrashed and kicked but Gin held him down with both hands, trying to rid himself of all the pain. Letting out all of his anger for Aizen, the helplessness of himself and his hatred of Kira for being the cause of all that he had suffered, and what he would probably continue to suffer. Anger at the one who had wrecked his life. Anger at the innocent bystander in all of this, digging into the body until it bled. Why should Gin be the only one bleeding? Why should he be the only one hurting?

The red was mixing in with the clear water; silent screams went unheard by all except the bloody water. And Gin became consumed with it. Gin held that boy down as he struggled less and less, Gin watched as he inflicted pain upon another, waited until the struggling subsided. He gritted his teeth as he thought of all that had happened to him and his inability to stop it. He hated Kira for being a part of it. He hated himself for letting it happen. He hated Aizen for doing it. All of these things, all of the reasons why and the hurt inside him just seemed to let go.

He observed the panic that filled his fukutaichou as he was slowly being drowned, slowly being murdered. Gin glared down at him with his blood red eyes, eyes that saw the same red. Eyes that were empty and cold and unfeeling. Empty of everything but rage and desire to hurt.

Gin tightened his grip on Kira's neck and squeezed hard. Holding him down there until the very last ounce of air was forced out of his lungs.

"Why. Won't. you. just. Fucking. Die?"

Soon after the struggling lessened, the boy had breathed his last. His body relaxed, going limp as if he were asleep once more. And Gin, panting heavily, and ignoring the tears cascading down his cheeks, let out a sigh of relief as he knelt there. Sitting there in the dead of the night, motionless in the quietness, breathed and re-gathered himself on the bathroom floor. He was rid of it. He was rid of all of his pain, his anger, his hatred, his hurt. He had drowned his sorrow and killed it.

It was as if a burden had been lifted, as for those few silent moments he was free of it all. Until he realised it. Until the very magnitude of what had just happened finally dawned upon him. And it came down on him like a ton of bricks.

"Oh god. What have I done?"


	9. Regret

"We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict."  
- Jim Morrison

**Chapter 7: Regret**

Gin cursed as he crawled over to the bath again, he had to work fast here. Fighting the pain in his body as each of his muscles screamed in agony, he thrust his arms into the water and tried to drag Kira out. With all of the strength he had left, he heaved Kira's body up, letting the weight fall into him. Then dragging his body and the rest of his legs out of the bath and laying him onto the floor. Gin then tried to wake him up.

"Shit! Izuru! Izuru!"

He called out to him, now starting to worry. Gin screamed and shook him but no response. He even slapped his face a couple of times for good measure, but still nothing.

"Wake up dammit!"

Gin checked for any other signs of life. Namely, a pulse. He gripped Kira's arm and placed his fingers in the vein but he couldn't feel anything. He put his ear onto his chest to detect a heartbeat, but still nothing.

He wasn't breathing.

"Oh crap."

Gin had to work quickly. He was panicking now, racking his brain to think of what to do. He had to revive him. Perform mouth to mouth: the kiss of life. Gin lowered his mouth over his and breathed into him, willing him to live. Willing his lungs to work again. Willing his heart to beat once more. Trying again and again to resuscitate him.

"Izuru-kun! Izuru-kun!"

Gin called out to him again. He didn't want Kira to die. Kira couldn't die, not now.

"Don't you dare fucking die!"

After a much panicked Gin did this for some time, Kira did eventually breathe again. He coughed and spluttered, gasping for air. Somehow back in the land of the living again. He was breathing heavily, but that was expected. Gin let out a sigh of relief as he clutched onto his fukutaichou, he was soaking wet now but that didn't matter. Gin was soaked to the skin as well but he didn't care. All that mattered was that Izuru was breathing again. He was naked, he was bleeding, and he was probably going to be very embarrassed, but he was alive.

"Izuru-kun…Izuru-kun…"

Gin pushed the hair back off Kira's face as he coughed again.

"Speak ta me! Are yer kay?"

"Whe- where am I?"

Gin exhaled deeply. Thank the gods, he was really alive. Gin knelt there cradling him, just holding him in his arms for dear life. The smile softly creeping back across his face.

"God ya scared me there! Are ya alrigh'?"

Kira looked up at him, his eyes had just barely opened. His eyelids were fluttering open like if he were waking from a peaceful dream.

"Ugh… taichou?"

"Izuru, I jus' saved yer life. Ya was quite lucky I got 'ere when I did. Ye' woulda been dead else."

"Tai- taichou…" Kira coughed "th- thankyou."

Gin just looked down at him. His red eyes meeting the others blue ones. Fighting back the tears now with his breath trembling.

"_Don't thank me… idiot…"_

"Jus' thank the gods yer okay. Izuru…"

He started to shake. He had saved Kira's life, yet he was the one who had nearly ended it. It was a mistake on his part. A stupid, idiotic mistake. He didn't want to lose Kira, but he had just lost control. Just been pushed over the edge and hurt. He held the small body that he had almost killed and he shook, trying to choke back the tears. Clutching Izuru in his arms, his hair covering his face as the younger of the two lay there confused in Gin's arms.

"Taichou… err…"

"Hm?"

Gin then looked down. Oh, yes, that was right: the awkward part. Gin quickly got up and went to go get a towel for him as Kira crawled onto his knees, suddenly being handed the towel.

"I'll go get ya some clothes, you dry off."

Gin decided to leave him to it and go and get him a dry hakama. He set it out on one of the chairs and then went to go and boil some water to make him a cup of hot tea. Just to warm him up a bit. He wasn't thinking about his own health, despite the fact that he was still soaked to the skin himself; the only thing on his mind right now was making sure that Kira was aright. He sighed, setting the empty cup on the sideboard before going into the next room to fetch a couple of blankets for him. How stupid he felt now.

When Kira eventually poked his head through the door Gin had already made the tea and handed over the clean hakama to him. Kira looked downwards, averting his eyes. He laughed to himself. "D'aw, lil Kira-kun's shy. Tis okay, ya can put it on 'ere ya know, I seen it all before."

"Oh, err… yes, that's right. H- how silly of me…"

Kira turned his back to him while he dressed. Gin didn't look; he still gave the boy some privacy. Even after having seen everything, Gin still didn't look. He thought it disrespectful. He just went back into the kitchen to go and bring Kira his tea. The fire was already on and Kira was already sitting on the bed when Gin re-entered the room. He'd also brought the extra blankets in and draped them over the boys shoulders to warm him up as well.

"Arigato… Taichou…"

"We're on our own now, ya can call me Gin if ya want."

"Okay, err… G- Gin."

Gin then handed him the tea and propped himself on the chair opposite him. Looking intently at Kira as the both of them sat there quietly.

"Ya don't need to thank me…"

"G- Gin… I, I owe you my life."

Gin's gaze moved to Kira's hands, and his eyes widened in horror.

"Izuru-kun… yer bleedin'. Gods Kira yer bleedin!'"

Gin took Kira's now bleeding arm in both his hands and watched as it bled out onto him. The freshly inflicted wounds were bleeding profusely now, and Gin could only sit there and watch it stain Izuru's pale skin. Gin looked at the wounds he'd caused, and the blood on his hands. Regretting what he had done to the boy, feeling guilty about the things he'd thought about him. Thinking that he was useless and pathetic. His lip started to tremble.

The blood was on his hands…

"Ta- taichou, are you okay?"

Tears were falling now, tears that he had fought so hard to keep back. All of the guilt had overwhelmed him from simply looking at Kira's wounds.

"Don't worry, I'll be okay…"

Gin broke down, and all the emotion emptied out of him. He fell to pieces. He tried to smile again and get himself together, but he just couldn't.

"Y- you mus' think I'm pathetic…"

"Taichou…"

Kira looked at him, noting that his eyes were still bloodshot. Gin couldn't meet his gaze, he just couldn't. Kira probably already thought that he was weak and over emotional, and he would probably never understand what Gin was going through, or what he was feeling right now because of what he had done. But when Izuru's warm hand touched Gin's arm, everything seemed to change. And Gin's entire view of Kira Izuru altered completely.

"I'll be fine Taichou, you should really look after yourself right now. I don't want you getting ill."

"Izuru-kun… I… I'm just glad you're okay."

Kira smiled.

"Go get some rest Taichou, I'll be alright."


	10. My vain attempt at normal

This chapter was inspired by the song 'Rape me' by Nirvana. Oh, and a very nice dark AiGin artwork that's sadly not mine. I paint my pictures with words instead of colours.

* * *

"In this world, is there ever anything that is, or would ever be considered 'normal'?"  
- TDW (a rhetorical question)

**Chapter 8: My vain attempt at normal**

Gin fell asleep in that chair. He watched Kira slowly drift off to sleep before slowly doing so himself. He looked so peaceful when he was asleep. Gin watched Kira's chest slowly rise and fall, looking so much at ease. It seemed like the only time Kira was unafraid was when he was asleep. Any other time when around Gin he would be that nervous and afraid that he sometimes couldn't get his words out. He would try to hide it, but Gin knew it was there. It would always be there, no matter how much of a brave face Kira put on, Gin knew that somewhere inside him there would always be that fear. But why he was afraid Gin would never know. Like he would never know why practically everyone he had come across was fearful of him. Maybe it was just something about him. But he did hope that this fear in Kira would subside. It wasn't like Kira had any reason to be frightened of him, but then again, people judge. People assume without knowing. People speak without thinking. People act on impulse.

But something told him that Kira wasn't like that. Kira was different. Despite their differences, Kira never once judged him.

Gin eventually fell asleep in that chair, watching over the young Kira. Lost deep in his train of thought. He woke up at the crack of dawn and kira was still asleep. Gin however, was wide awake. And still soaking wet. He got off the chair with some difficulty, seeing as his joints were stiff and painful. His body had already been through so much, and it was already taking its toll on him. He then padded quietly out of the room and went into the bathroom. He pulled the plug in the bath and watched the remnants of the bloodied water drain out of his life. All evidence of what happened that night was gone.

Gone, but not forgotten.

He looked at himself in the mirror. The dark circles under his eyes were the telltale signs of sleep deprivation and stress. Whether or not this stress would be prolonged or not was another matter. But he put it down to just sleep deprivation. He had, after all, been awake most of the night tending to his fukutaichou.

He stripped off and got into the shower, feeling the hot water on his skin wash away the dirt and the blood from his body. Letting it relax all of his muscles and lessening the ache of them. He exhaled deeply, sighing as the tension left him and the muscular pain vanished. This was the first shower he'd had for five days now. Living on edge did nothing for him. After about half an hour, he decided to leave his little sanctuary and dry off. Putting on a clean shihakusho and his haori, he glanced over at Kira again. No doubt he would wake up soon. So Gin decided to gather Kira his zanpaktou and some clean clothes and set them out on the bed by his feet for him when he woke up. He also set out some sandals there too.

When Gin had left for work that morning Kira was still asleep. He smiled to himself. Maybe things would be different now, seeing as they had both been brought closer. Maybe it would be better now that they understood each other more. Gin was in a good mood today, he felt that he could just go on and put what had happened behind him and have a normal relationship with his second. It would be a ray of sunshine in an otherwise cloudy sky.

It was soon proved to be a rather good day when Kira walked in, looking rather happy. He was smiling and greeted his taichou warmly. He's never done that before.

"Mornin' Izuru."

Gin grinned back, displaying his white teeth.

"Ya feelin' better t'day?"

"Yes, thankyou."

"Tha's good to know."

After that, the rest of the day passed as normal, with neither of them being awkward. Conversing like any other captain and subordinate. Actually getting on with one another without the fearful undercurrent that had previously existed between them. Gin for once actually tasted normality. He actually saw what it was to be completely trusted and looked up to. The past could be forgotten and Gin thought that he could actually have a normal life.

But as the day drew on and the sun began to set, this was to be proven otherwise. For when it became dark and the moon had come out, he had to walk back to his room alone. When he'd said goodnight to Kira, he strolled out of the office at his leisure, taking in the night air as he stepped out into the darkness. Not realising that he was being followed.

As soon as he turned the corner he felt something hit him and seconds later his back was against the wall and a hand was around his neck.

"Hello Gin."

Gin's eyes widened, his face expressing pure terror at the smirking face of Aizen. He swallowed hard. Aizen had been waiting for him, waiting for the perfect moment when he was alone to jump on him.

He was pinning him against the wall. His hand was around his neck. Gin couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Aizen wasn't squeezing his neck, but the fear and panic overwhelmed him. It was as if Aizen's spiritual pressure was rendering him immobile.

Aizen's breath was shaking, he could feel it right by his ear. Gin trembled as he spoke, his breathing becoming more and more shallow as Aizen whispered into his ear. Sounding somewhat agitated.

"Gin…"

It was a tone Gin had never heard before from him. A tone where the voice shakes, almost as if he were struggling to breathe, although his breathing was softer and not as laboured. He was aroused, and Gin had full knowledge of what was going to happen next. Somehow being backed into Aizen's room he was eventually thrown to the floor and forced to the bed. Struggling all the while but Aizen wouldn't let go of him. There was no way he could fight his way out now. Though he did try.

"Don't struggle."

Aizen's breath shuddered again as his hands worked their way down to Gin's shoulders as he lay on top of him, slowly undressing him. Gin froze, he knew it was coming, the pain, and he didn't like it. He didn't want to go through it again.

"n- no… p- please…"

Gin looked up pleadingly at him, on the verge of tears now. He didn't want to be hurt again.

"Ai- Aizen, please don't…"

Aizen looked down at him, his eyes unspeaking. Not showing any clear emotion. His face expressionless for those few slow, silent moments as Gin's eyes pleaded with all the desperation of a dying man staring death in the face before his time.

A sinister grin crossed Aizen's face, accompanied by a look of pure contenpt. A desire to hurt, a desire to use. Abuse.

"Whore."

"Ugh, n- no…"

Gin whimpered, feeling the hot breath of Aizen Sousuke down his neck, feeling the hand on his neck. Feeling the chills run down his spine and through his entire being. Watching and waiting. Anticipating the pain again, that sense of unease consuming his insides again. Aizen's other hand moving downwards to between his legs again, making him wince. Those filthy hands were touching him again.

Gin moaned in protest. Yelping as the hand gently squeezed him, moving too far southwards for Gin's liking. In fact, being touched anywhere by this man was to his disliking. In reality he despised being touched by him.

Gin tried to struggle but it was no use, the full body weight of Aizen was on top of him, holding him there on his back. Leaving him no choice but to endure his touch, his unwanted caresses. Aizen fondled Gin for some time, revelling in his uncomfortable movements and moans of protest, contemplating what else he could do to his toy. His fingertips slowly coursed their way up further, brushing gin's upper leg, lingering there as he watched Gin writhe and try in vain to get away. Aizen smiled wildly, suddenly forcing the full length of his fingers into the body beneath him.

Gin gritted his teeth, not wanting to scream, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of hearing him scream.

"Scream, fuck." He hissed, shoving his fingers up further to make Gin cry out in pain. He kept his fingers there, prolonging the scream. Enjoying the pain tear through Gin's body before then deciding to actually take him.

Agony shot through Gin's entire being as he felt Aizen forcefully enter him, his wrists being pinned above his head. Aizen's fingers making them bleed again. gin could only lie there in pain as he felt Aizen's rough thrusts tearing him apart from the inside, making him bleed out profusely onto the clean white bedsheets. Howling with pain every time Aizen moved, only able to wait until Aizen was finished with him. Listening to him utter profanities every time he tried to escape.

"Fu- fu- fuck… Gin… ugh…"

His hand gripped Gin's neck again and squeezed hard as he climaxed, ignoring Gin's screaming objections and continuing to madly fuck him, all the while Gin moaning with the pain as he felt Aizen's fluid fill him.

And only when he eventually pulled out of him, did Gin's tears finally fall. He couldn't move. He could only lie there, completely exposed and breathing heavily as Aizen dressed himself and left him there. And Gin spent the night in Aizen's room. He lay there in Aizen's bed but sleep did not claim him that night.


	11. Pokerface

"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves."  
- Francois de la Roche Foucald

**Chapter 9: Pokerface**

When dawn eventually broke through the window the following morning, Gin was in no better a state than he was the previous night. His eyes were bloodshot, his body ached all over, his limbs were sore and his breathing still wracked his entire being. But there was nothing he could do about it. There was no way that he could stop his muscles aching. No way to smother the internal pain he felt. He was currently curled up on the bed. In Aizen's room. In Aizen's bloodstained sheets dyed with Gin's own blood, still naked. The evidence of a night spent crying written all over his face. He felt so used, like a whore, like a filthy dirty whore. But Gin wasn't like that. When he was roaming the streets of Rukongai long ago, back when selling his body was a possibility and a means to survive, he never did consider it. Not because he didn't see it as an option, but because he didn't want to. He wanted to wait until he found someone he loved first.

That's probably what hurt the most. The fact that it wasn't loving like it was supposed to be, but abusive and hurtful. The fact that Gin didn't feel for Aizen in that way probably didn't help much either. But Gin grew up with ideals about what love and intimacy were, most of which still remained with him. So when his purity was taken in such an abusive way without consent, it really damaged him.

Hours passed, and still he lay there, not bothering to move. He was supposed to have been up ages ago, but his body refused to move. His eyes staring at the pale wall, not really registering anything. He was already lost.

He did eventually get up though, he couldn't lie there forever. No matter much he wanted to, he couldn't disappear from society completely. It took a considerable amount of energy to drag himself up and his arms did buckle under the weight once or twice, but he did eventually get up. His hands were still trembling, his arms were bruised. He managed to drag himself up and get dressed after finding his clothes in a heap on the floor. Luckily they weren't covered with any blood. He took a look at the bruises on his arms, where Aizen's fingers had been. At the puncture wounds and scratches that ran up his forearms. He whimpered and bit his lower lip, trying to stop more tears from falling.

"_How could he do this to me?"_

He swallowed softly and began trying to somehow steady his shaking body and trembling hands long enough to dress quietly, and then manages to make his way into the office, even though he was very late already. But nowadays he was almost always overly late for work. No thanks to Aizen.

It was a normal day. Kira was working on the important documents sitting in a pile next to him on the desk and the rest of the squad were doing whatever it was that they would normally do. It was a normal day for everyone, but Gin just didn't feel 'normal'. It was uncomfortable. It was like he wasn't supposed to be here. He didn't know how it could all go back to being like this after what had happened to him.

How could it ever go back like this?

But as much as Gin wanted to just go and curl up into the corner and break down, he had an act to maintain. A pokerface to put on. He didn't want anyone else to know what was going on, since it was embarrassing and painful. It would make him seem weak and pathetic to tell people what was wrong. What would he say if they asked him what was wrong with him and why he was in such a state of despair? The response "Aizen Taichou hurt me." Would just sound silly, and "I was raped" was something too difficult to admit. He was a grown man, they would all probably laugh at him and say that he must enjoy it if he let it happen. And they were all so sure that he could defend himself. But really, Gin was just a trembling whelp compared to Aizen. Gin was the powerless one. But nobody would understand that. Gin would just be thought out to be a liar if he did try to tell, or just be called names. Like "bitch" and "whore" and "slut."

That's not how it was, but that's what people would think. And the sight of the ever smiling taichou completely in tears would only make him a spectacle for the whole of the Seireitei. And that he didn't want. That would just add to the humiliation.

Gin didn't want to smile when he walked in, he didn't have the energy to. But he had to. He had to act like nothing had happened.

"Mornin' Izuru."

"Good morning Taichou."

He strolled in casually in his usual manner and Kira got up to put some files away, allowing Gin to take his seat behind the desk.

He sat there, waiting. He didn't want to talk to anybody, or answer any questions. He just wanted this constant emotional hurt to go away. His heart pounded. He felt so empty inside, so hurt.

He just sat there completely quiet until Kira decided to ask him questions he really didn't want to answer.

"Tai… Taichou…"

"Hm?"

"Where… where did you get that bruise?"

"Bruise? Wh- what bruise?"

He jumped, had he not covered one? Were they visible? Would Kira find out and ask?

"_Calm down Gin, maybe he doesn't know anything…"_

His accent had dropped, which would probably make Kira even more inclined to ask.

"That one on your neck… it looks painful."

Gin turned, looked, and then tried to reply, trying and failing to be non-chalant.

"Oh, this? Heh, that ain't nothin' really. Jus' banged myself tha's all."

He had to maintain his composure; he couldn't break down, not now. Not in front of Kira. He had to smile and put it on.

"Oh, I see. You really should be more careful Taichou."

"Heh heh, yeah."

He laughed, trying to mask his pain. Trying to mask the emptiness he was feeling.

"_No more questions… please, just no more questions Izuru… I can't…"_

He had to go. He had to get out of there and away from it, all these questions that he couldn't answer.

"I'm leavin'." He said as he got up.

"Oh Izuru, when ya finish up here can ya take those over to the fifth company?"

"Yes Taichou."

Gin just walked. He didn't care where he was going; he just wanted to be alone. And as far away from everything as possible. Away from Kira, away from Aizen, away from everybody and every thing. His peace however, was interrupted by the sight of a hell butterfly fluttering into his field of vision summoning him back again.


	12. Insubordination

I really enjoy writing this story. However, I am still trying to portray the characters as human beings, each with reasons for their actions. Which is quite hard to do, since I've had to think from three different perspectives with these 'Tales of the Manipulated' I'm doing. I hope I'm not making a complete mess of it, because it is quite difficult since everything has to fit together like a jigsaw.

* * *

_Despair,_  
_It is all I know._  
_Pain,_  
_It is all I feel._  
_Loss,_  
_I feel so robbed._  
_Lost,_  
_Because everything was taken from me._  
_Hurt,_  
_Because you do this._  
_Betrayal,_  
_It is what I feel_  
_Liar,_  
_Is what I am._  
_And it is all because of you that I have been made this way._

_- TDW  
_

...

"The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but that this humiliation is seen by everyone."  
- Milan Kundera

**Chapter 10: Insubordination**

Gin's heart sank. It was Aizen. His heart started pounding again, hitting the wall of his chest with every beat. Why him? Why now?

What did he want? To just hurt him some more?

He contemplated not going. He thought long and hard about not going, about not subjecting himself to whatever torture lay waiting for him. He thought about running away, maybe to the human word, and never coming back again. Go somewhere that nobody could find him. He didn't care if it was illegal; all he wanted was to just get away from it all. From Aizen. From his torture. From the abuse.

He thought about it, he thought very long and had about it, but in the end he found himself going back there. Why?

Because it would only make it worse if he didn't go. There would just be more pain. It was that simple. It's not that he actually wants to go, but that he has to.

He just has… no choice.

He walked slowly. Not so much caring at the looks of fear and wariness he got as the crowds dispersed before him. His nervousness building up inside of him continuously with every step he made, and every breath he took wracked him insides. He could feel the chills run up and down his spine. But this was nothing. The real terror was yet to come. The unknown was yet to befall him again. And no matter how much he prepared for it, and no matter how much he mentally gathered himself, it would still shock him. Always.

Getting to the door and stepping in slowly, almost shyly even, and not really knowing what to expect, Gin walked in.

Would he be angry this time? He didn't know. He would never know. Because he would jst change so quickly, so rapidly that he couldn't even react quick enough. And the scariest part of it was that it would be the tiniest of things that would trigger this change in Aizen. It would only take for the wrong word to slip from his tongue, or for his voice to betray the wrong tone. But sometimes it wouldn't even be that. Sometimes he would change personalities without warning.

_"The schizophrenic bastard." _

Not that Gin would ever tell him that. He wouldn't even dare to. Because he knew what the consequences would be if he did. Because he feared what he could do, he was _afraid_ of him.

Gin walked further into the room, only to find Aizen quietly sitting behind the desk upon his arrival. He had a pen in his hand and he was writing something.

"Oh hello Gin. I wanted to talk to you for a moment."

Gin swallowed, the fear growing stronger in the pit of his stomach as Aizen set his pen down on the desk.

"What did ya wanna talk to me about?"

Aizen only said two words to him, but these two words made the most impact. And for Ichimaru Gin, these two words made the earth stop spinning.

"Kira Izuru."

"What?"

"Don't play innocent with me, Ichimaru." Aizen continued slowly, his voice cold and emotionless. No doubt he was angry.

"You hurt him."

Aizen's glare was cold. Everything about him was just, cold. And Gin trembled. His hands shaking, splurting out words before his brain could even register them. Before he could even consider the consequences. He was angry an afraid.

"It's all your fault!" Gin yelled out at him. "If ya hadn' a made me nearly drown 'im-"

"That," Aizen cut in, stopping Gin from even finishing his sentence. "was your own damn fault."

"And jus' how were it my fault? It were you that suggested it in the first place!" Gin screeched, all sense of rationality having left him as he tried to defend himself and his actions.

"That was not your fault, you were angry. Angry at yourself, angry at me. Of course you would have taken it out on somebody… so why not poor little _innocent_ Kira? Tell me, did you enjoy hurting him?"

"Shut up!"

Aizen looked at him, getting up from the desk and completely ignoring the distress Gin was in over the situation. Of course Gin never wanted to hurt Izuru. How dare he even ask that question. But Aizen's glance changed, it was now more of a smirk, a smile of defiance. Of intrigue.

"Oh, now I see." Aizen mused to himself, to Ichimaru. "You have some sort of connection with the boy, don't you?"

"And what if I do?"

Aizen smiled, letting a wicked grin cross his jaw line as he spoke.

"Trying to befriend him are we?"

"That ain't none a your business!"

Gin tried to keep his composure, and stop his rattling breathing. Aizen was trying to provoke him further, just waiting for him to slip up. Create an excuse to hurt him again. But Gin would have none of it. He was breathing heavily, panting almost in comparison to the ever calm and collected Aizen standing only a few paces away from him.

"He will hinder our plans Ichimaru."

"Don't ya mean _your_ plan... Taichou." Gin spat, with as much distain as he could muster. For truly, he hated what this man could do to him. But Aizen just remained silent. Pausing for effect. His voice returning to its previous state of emotionless calm.

"So does he trust you now?"

"Yes."

Gin looked away, unable to even look at him. At the man who was making gain trust only to betray it later on. But something in him just snapped. He didn't want to do this. And the room went completely quiet before Gin broke the silence by banging his fists down onto the desk again.

"I didn' _want_ ta drown 'im!"

"But you did. Do not lie to me Gin, you wanted to cause him hurt."

"An' why d'ya think that is?"

"You did it because I told you to. Because you know what the consequences will be if you disobey me, don't you?"

"Bastard." Gin hissed. "Liar."

It went quiet. And Gin snarled at Aizen again, once more telling the truth that it was he who had tried to murder Izuru Kira.

_"I drowned him.__"_

Aizen just looked at him, his facial expression not changing as he raised his hand and gave Ichimaru Gin yet another slap across the face. Indeed, he was angry. And Gin had just added fuel to the fire.

"You're just lucky you didn't kill him Gin."

Gin just grinned back. Neither of them saw the topic of their conversation disappearing from the other side of the door, which had just been left slightly ajar for him to see and hear everything.

"Yer a fuckin' bastard."


	13. Liar liar

It is not a story if I do not cry. Now, I haven't cried writing this one yet… But I do know which bits will get to me. I know pretty much which chapters will make me cry. I will admit it does get very sad in places._  
_

* * *

I_nside hurts so much_  
_Outside hurts so much_  
_I can't feel anything_  
_I won't because_  
_If I do the pain will just_  
_Get worse_  
_I'm hurting myself_  
_I'm hurting others_  
_I'm not evil, it's just that_  
_Other people have made me this way_  
_Through hurt and abuse_  
_I am being manipulated_  
_Once free before, but now_  
_I am just a puppet_  
_And the devil pulls my strings_  
_So I can't escape._

_- TDW_

_...  
_

"You said you wouldn't hurt me… you lied"  
- TDW (a quote thinking on Gin's perspective in this story)

**Chapter 11: Liar liar**

Pain was the next thing Gin felt as rough fingers yanked his hair, pulling him towards Aizen's body. Making him whimper quietly with the pain. Even though he knew that this wasn't the worst of it.

"What did you say? Gin?"

"I called yer a fucking bastard…"

Another slap on the face, and the dread grew stronger, making Gin tremble, wondering why he had ever tried to defy him. Because Gin knew that he was vexed now.

"You dare to insult me?" he asked, pulling Gin's hair harder, with his slender body leaning on Aizen's chest now, with his arms limp by his sides. Aizen only holding him up with the hand in his white hair. Causing more pain for him and drawing out more whimpers and little pained yelps. Gin would pay dearly for this insubordination. For defying him. For even daring to question him. And Gin knew from the look in his eyes that more was yet to come.

In fact, he knew from just his eyes themselves that more pain and torture would soon follow. And nothing in the world frightened him more than those dark, black eyes looking directly at him, into him. Nothing scared him more than those eyes.

They were cold, they were empty, they were emotionless.

They were not brown anymore, for the blackness was taking over. His pupils were constricting. Fear filled him up entirely as those eyes became those of what he feared the most in this world and the next.

The empty, cold, and uncaring eyes of a hollow.

"I will teach you a lesson."

Gin gasped, frozen in horror as Aizen then threw him against the desk, so that his stomach hit it first. Causing pain to shoot through him, his mind went racing, thinking of escape routes that he knew were impossible. He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe. He knew that pain would come, but he didn't know how exactly it would be dealt to him.

"No… no god no, please…"

Aizen's hand just clenched itself around Gin's neck and holding him in place, his other hand releasing itself from his hair and working its way around his stomach to strip him, the lower half of his shihakusho falling around his ankles. Leaving Gin quite exposed as Aizen shoved him further into the desk, hurting him more so that he cried out in pain and fear of what was to come.

"Nugh, n-no, Aizen please don't…"

His cries went unheard, he pleaded and pleaded but in vain, Aizen didn't hear him. And even if he did he was choosing not to listen to him. He felt Aizen shift behind him, but of course, Aizen was holding his head still by the neck, his thumb and index finger pressuring on the jugular veins on either side of his neck painfully, almost causing internal bleeding as Gin trembled, his body tense with fear.

Pain then tore through his body; Aizen had forced himself into him with no warning at all, forcing Gin to scream in agony. He almost wanted to cry, but he wouldn't give Aizen that satisfaction. He could only scream. And it was the only sound that Aizen had wanted to her from him among the pained cries and whimpers.

Noises of pain, not of pleasure.

He thrust in deeper into Gin's body, tearing him apart with every harsh movement he made. He was rough, he was demanding, and he was hurtful.

And he enjoyed the screaming. He pounded harder and harder into Gin, shoving him further into the desk with each thrust, bruising his hips and stomach, leaving marks there that would take months to heal. But he did not care. He was getting what he wanted and causing hurt. Having non consensual sex with Gin in his office on the desk, defiling it, defiling Gin. Making every moment for him extreme agony. Making him scream and beg and plead for him to stop, on the verge of tears now. Gin whimpering in pain as Aizen uttered rather loud profanities at him. Gin still crying out as he neared his climax.

"You. fucking. Useless. Cunt."

A couple more deep thrusts into him and Aizen was spilling everywhere. His filthy and disgusting fluid emptying out of him and into Gin. Dripping onto his pale skin and down his exposed legs.

Aizen then gave one long deeply satisfied sigh and then removed himself from him. Seemingly contented that Gin wouldn't be likely to disobey him again. Recomposing and covering himself before he left again in silence. Leaving the abused Gin there panting for what was to be a couple of minutes before he got up and dressed also. Exiting the room without a hint of emotion in his expression. It was a smile-less expression. A rather stoic one. And Gin tied the knot to his shihakusho again and walked calmly out of the room. Making his way to his own room again.

He did not care if there was any evidence left in that room. All he wanted was to be alone. He stumbled into his room, locking the door behind him, and then staggering into the little bathroom he had. His legs struggling to support him, as every step he made the pain fresher. He got through the doorway and slipped onto the floor, his legs were shaking and in the end he slipped on the tiled floor. He sat up on the floor next to the bath, his hands moving towards the razor located just on the side near to him.

His still trembling hands picking it up and somehow dislodging the blade from the holder. Still no emotion in him, nor any reaction to the trauma.

He held out his wrist, exposing the palest skin through his sleeve, and with an ever shaking hand, he positioned the razor blade down over his arm. And with a deep, sharp intake of breath, he ran the blade slowly across his wrist, digging into it as he cut into himself. His hand shaking for the entire length of the cut he made.

And only then did he finally break down and cry. Only after he had inflicted harm upon himself, was he able to cry.


	14. Repeat

"Fear consumes everything in its path. The body, the mind, and even the soul. But only if we let it"  
- TDW

**Chapter 12: Repeat**

The next day began normally. Whatever could be called normal anyway. Gin came in to the office as usual and then began to work at he desk, writing on the numerous papers sitting in front of him in the ominous 'in' pile and slowly going through them all. He watched Kira walk in nervously. Not once looking up at him. He was still shaking a little, and he did not want for Izuru to see his vulnerability. Even his breath was trembling. For one doesn't get sexually abused the night before and is physically and mentally stable the next morning. It just doesn't work like that. His muscles were tense and his back was sore. In fact, every part of him was sore. From all of the bruises and cuts from previous occasions were sore. And the pain was always worse after the abuse, even the wounds that were healing, because he had been beaten, raped and hurt so many times now. Gin had lost count of how many. How many times, the number of wounds on his body he had. The numbers did not matter, what mattered was that they were there, and that he had to hide them from the outside world.

There was an open wound on his forehead, from where he had hit his head when he finally collapsed after his fingers managed to relax from holding on so rigidly to the desk and he fell and his head. It was only partially covered by his hair falling over it, but apparently not covered enough because Kira noticed, and he saw it. not that a head wound could be easily disguised.

"Oh my god, Taichou, you're bleeding." Kira said, his voice trambling as his concern grew. "You should really get that wound seen to."

Gin stopped, suddenly, realizing the implications of that, and how the pain would worsen in the future if he had it examined. For if he did heal it, Aizen would know. And he would be angry. Very angry. And Gin did not like him when he was angry. It just meant that he got hurt.

"No. No, just no… I can't."

He looked at Kira, hoping that he would understand and back off, but Kira being Kira, he wanted to help.

"Then why don't you let me take a look at it?"

"No," Gin pleaded, his voice really starting to shake now. "No, its fine Izuru-kun… just leave it."

"But I can heal it for you."

"N- no, please…"

Inside he really wanted Kira to back away. He really wanted to be left alone. He just didn't want to be touched, or get in trouble with Aizen. He just wanted things to carry on like normal. He just wanted it all to go away.

_"Please Kira, please to god Kira, just leave it… it will be better if you leave it… please don't, I don't want this. Please just leave me. Please…"_

Kira moved the hair out of his eyes to get a closer look at his wound, and determine how nasty it was. Gin had looked at himself in the mirror and seen how bad it was, so he couldn't blame Izuru for being concerned, but he just didn't want anybody to interfere with it. Gin's breath grew heavier and heavier and panic started to settle in as Kira touched his face to see the wound. Gin would have turned his head away but he couldn't move; he was feeling that fear again, that fear of Aizen and what he could do to him. He could barely breathe.

"Here, just let me have a look at it. I can make it better."

The panic grew and escalated into fear, and that fear into pure terror. And it did so very quickly. Gin's red eyes wildly darted around the room in search of escape as Kira tried to get closer. He tried to gently push him away through the panic and decline Izuru's offer, but it didn't work. kira was insistent on helping him; giving him help he did not need _or_ want.

"No, please Izuru, I'm fine."

"But, Taichou…"

"No, please… d- don't touch me…"

"But I need to fix it… hold still."

Gin's eyes shot open as he heard those words. He could just hear Aizen's voice again, feel his hands hold him down and grip his wrists. Leaving Gin powerless. Powerless to run, powerless to fight, powerless to even scream.

"Nn- no… don't… s- stop, please."

Gin wasn't liking this. His breaths were short and he was panting harshly, trying to breathe through the fear condensing all around him. Consuming him with memories of pain and hurt and abuse.

"Pl- please don't. don't touch me…"

"But Taichou, I need to take a look at it."

Gin didn't hear him. He could only hear that dark voice telling him to be still and keep quiet. See those uncaring eyes so empty and hollow looking down upon him. And he was afraid. He was just so damn afraid.

He could feel a pair of hands touch him, against his chest. Touching when they shouldn't be. And it was fight or flight. Gin couldn't move, he couldn't breathe, and those hands just couldn't touch him again when it felt so wrong.

_"I told you not to fucking touch me!__" _

Gin screamed, finally being able to breathe again, sweating and filled with fear, his shaking hand now throbbing as he regained his senses one by one. His rationality returning to him last of all when he realised that he had hit Kira, hard.

Slapped him across the face. So hard that Izuru's head had been forced to turn to the side.  
Everything went silent, and Gin's breath remained harsh. He had slapped Kira and he was just standing there, wide eyed. Gin got up, quickly drawing his blade and putting against Kira's throat, pinning him to the floor only a few seconds later. Gin wasn't going to be touched that way by anybody ever again.

His hand caught Kira's face yet again as Gin glared down at him, infuriated.

_"Don__'t you__…ever, ever, ever touch me!__" _Gin snarled, his thoughts only of inflicting pain as he struck Kira repeatedly, screaming as he beat him. He wasn't going to be the victim again. He wasn't going to be used like this. He was a human being. Huans didn't do this to each other. He snarled and growled through gritted teeth, not caring at all for the feeling of the boy, he only thought of pain, and of hurt. Feeling it and causing it. The nothingness of it all, making Izuru bleed.

And that was when Gin saw red. That was the first time Ichimaru Gin saw red.

Another time, another blow, another hit to the ribs. He dug in his fingers and drew blood, not watching it trickle down for more than a second as he inflicted more and more pain, becoming deaf to the screams of pain and the pleas of protest, begging him to stop. The boy struggled and whimpered, but it did not work, Gin just hurt another area of him, his back, his legs, his arms. He just hit Kira again, and again, and again. Not seeing the tears as he caused a black eye with another smack. Not really knowing where all of this energy was coming from, for so much of it was going into each smack, each blow.

And it continued. It continued until Gin was completely out of energy. He could only stop himself when he was completely, emotionally and physically, out of energy. Only after he was empty of all anger, could he finally stop hurting.

He was panting heavily, with Shinsou lying on the floor somewhere next to him. Kneeling next to Kira now, who was battered and covered in his own blood, just looking dumbfounded at him. Shocked, no doubt.

"Ta- taichou?"

Gin snapped his head up to look at Izuru. His head jerking to the side as he just glared hatefully at him through his exhaustion. Wondering how on earth Izuru would even dare to touch him.

_"How dare he touch __me.__" _He thought angrily, his anger turning to hate as he continued to look at the beaten Izuru crawling to his feet, silently watching him stand up again, and still looking at him with those wide eyes. _"The nerve of him, even after that." _

Gin took one last quick deep breath, as he looked at the freshly beaten Izuru, snarling quietly at him.

"Don't you _ever__… _touch me again."

He did not see Izuru run out of the room, crying.


	15. Apology

This chapter was inspired by 'Scarborough fair' by Simon and Garfunkel for some... very strange reason. Don't ask me why, I really have no idea._  
_

_

* * *

_

"Play fair. Don't hit people. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody."  
- Robert Fulghum.

**Chapter 13: Apology**

Gin just sat there shaking. He was still so full of anger and all of this hatred and hurt when he didn't need it. He didn't need any of this suffering; he didn't need any of this pain and heartache. But it had all been forced upon him. It was spoon-fed to him and he was forced to accept it. He was metaphorically tied to a chair and the abuse was practically forced down his throat. He was fed hatred. He was fed lies. He was fed abuse and he was fed torture for a reason god only knew.

God only knew why he was living this life. God only knew why he was suffering needlessly like this.

Aizen knew. Maybe that meant that Aizen was god?

If so, then what kind of god abused and manipulated and tortured helpless creatures? Helpless and innocent human beings? A helpless boy like Gin?

What did Gin do that made him angry enough to physically and mentally torture him so much? Maybe he could ask, but then again that would probably only result in the same thing; torture, pain, sexual abuse, hurt, heartache, more pain, lies, more manipulation, deceit, more lies.

Doesn't he know that playing this kind of mind chess hurt people? That it tore them apart from the inside and smashed their hearts into tiny little pieces that nobody, not even a god, could put back together again? That it left permanent scars?

Gin was a helpless boy when this all started. He had no clue how to defend himself against domestic abuse such as this. And that was what it was.

Abuse.

Just saying it mentally was shocking.

Tears started to trickle from Gin's crimson coloured eyes. He hated Aizen for doing that to him and yet he had selfishly gone and done the same thing to another person. To Kira.

To his own fukutaichou.

In exactly the same way that Aizen had abused his fukutaichou.

"Oh my god…"

His lips trembled. He couldn't breathe. He was an abuser.

He had caused the same hurt and heartache that he was going through. He had left Kira so distraught just as he had been.

"It hurts." He sobbed. Clutching his head and shaking, clenching his eyes tightly shut to try and drown out the taunts of his own concience.

_"Abuser! Abuser! Abuser! You're just like him! Just like him! Just like him!" _

Gin clenched his jaws. Unable to drown out the voice.

"Why does it hurt? I don't want it to hurt. I just want all the pain to go away. I… I didn' mean to go and… why isn't the pain going away?"

But it didn't make the pain go away. He thought that all of this anger had to go somewhere, and if that anger left him then the pain would too, but he was so hopelessly wrong. So hopelessly hurt and still so angry and bitter inside. It wasn't working. Just being angry and hating was not doing anything. But it was the only way he could feel anything. It was the only way he could feel anything anymore.

He could never be happy again, so all that was left to feel now was pain and anger and hurt. And now there was this new feeling too. What was it?

Guilt.

Gin gently lowered his body onto the floor, curling up as best he could, with his zanpaktou still lying beside him, a perfect picture of master and blade; tossed aside like useless tools. Quite fitting, seeing as Shinsou was so full of hate as well. Like master, like blade it seems.

He lay there and just let it all empty out of him in the form of tears from his eyes. Sobbing and choking on his own hate in the pit of his stomach, regretting every single little thing he had done. Choosing the fifth company, choosing Kira, his own weakness, not working hard enough to escape, not trying hard enough to run away, being a coward, being made to hurt like this, despite the fact that there was nothing he could do about it.

He regretted abandoning hope.

He regretted being angry.

But most of all, he regretted hurting Kira in that same way.

He brought one hand over his face, his fingers like a spider on the side of his face, half hiding his features and his pain. Like the Phantom and his mask covering his ugliness, Gin tried to cover up his pain.

Because he knew he couldn't go on like this. He couldn't go on alone hiding it like this.

He needed a friend.

He needed someone to be there when it all exploded in his face.

But this eluded him. There was just guilt and hatred and hurt and this pain in his heart. Pain that just wouldn't go away, no matter how much hurt he inflicted.

His breath trembled. His body was tired but he wouldn't sleep, he didn't want to sleep. His mind was exhausted but his body refused to black out like it usually did after trauma. Oh how he wanted to blank out right about now. How he wanted to just wake up and realise all of this was just some overblown nightmare. Just a dream. But that was not to be. There is indeed much more to the story, for this is just the tip of the iceberg as it were.

He struggled to his feet, still covered in Izuru's blood. Watching it drip from his hands and down his fingertips onto the wooden floor. Emotionlessly observing the blood splatter down and rest between the cracks in the wood before slowly, very slowly, walking out of the door. He didn't know where he was going exactly, he was just following where his gut was telling him to go. He paid no heed to the looks he was given, he made no glance at the people he passed, he just walked. He was like a zombie almost, lost in a complete trance. He even ignored the looks of disdain at the fact that he was covered in blood. He also walked down the hallways ignoring the fact that it was still dripping from his form, staining his pale skin, his hands and some of his clothes.

He was a ghost of his former self.

Unsmiling, uncaring. Contorted and violent.

Twisted.

Guilty.

Unwanted.

Unloved.

Hurting.

His eyes had dried up now, and his feet had carried him quite some distance away from the office. To one of the bathrooms. Kira's bathroom.

He knocked on the door and waited. Not really anticipating any reaction in particular; positive or negative. He just knocked on the door and waited for a response.

The door soon clicked open, and still he stood there, stock still. Not even moving a muscle. Not even blinking, just letting his eyes be visible for the whole world to see.

For the whole blind world to see.

Kira stepped out of the bathroom, pale as a ghost. Looking like he had just seen a ghost, which was not really surprising in itself. He had been crying also, for there were obvious tear tracks running down his cheekbones. And his breath was still trembling, not much though, but just enough for Gin to notice if he really looked for the shakiness in his breaths.

"Taichou?"

Gin just looked at him. All manner of hurt was visible in his eyes. All hurt was probably visible in both their sets of eyes. And whether or not Izuru saw the hurt there in Gin's eyes is another story entirely. But they just stood there for what seemed like an age, only standing there, but a step apart. And yet it was all the distance in the world.

Gin didn't really know what he was doing, or what he was going to do. His emotions seemed to have taken the reigns and compelled him, all of the hurt and the guilt pouring out of him in just one simple act.

He just dropped to his knees, at the blonde's feet, with his head being just about at the level of Kira's chest, all the while maintaining eye contact with him as he looked up through at his fukutaichou. His arms moving to embrace Izuru tightly, Gin burying his face into Kira's chest.

"I'm sorry."

He was quite ready to tell him everything, and desperately tried to find his voice and the courage to speak of all that had happened to him. But words failed him. And all he could do was to just let it all continue to pour out of him in the form of tears as he choked on more sobs in the back of his throat. With Kira not fighting him at all.

"I'm just… so sorry."


	16. Sanctuary

This chapter is another part 2 that got added in. It's very short, but I thought it was necessary. This chapter cross references with the other story 'My imitated smile', so ideally you need to have read that story to understand the references made in this chapter.

"Oh, I'm very much the musician. I've been playing people's heartstrings like violins for some time now, and I think I'm getting quite good at it."  
- TDW (something she's always wanted to say - excuse the randomness)

* * *

"The world is hard, the world is mean, it's hard to keep your conscience clean... The sea is calm, the sea is grey, it washes everything away..."  
- Meg Giry, in lyrics by Andrew Lloyd Webber (sorry, always wanted to make a reference)

**Chapter 13.2: Sanctuary**

Gin just held onto him, to Kira, unable to let go as he emotionally emptied. Crying out everything. He cried out all of the hatred he had felt, all of the hurt he was feeling, all of the guilt that he was going to feel. He cried out absolutely everything.

Everything but the cause of it. everything but the words he needed to say. He emptied himself of everything except for what he needed to speak of. Everything apart from the reason he had come apart for, was able to leave him.

He was not able to say those three little words. The hardest three words for someone to ever say.

_"I need help."_

Gin never could admit to needing help. Maybe that was why he was chosen, why he was handpicked out by Aizen specifically. But all he could say was sorry. All he could do was cry. All he could do was clutch tightly onto this little trace of light that had been ushered by stronger forces into his darkened world. He needed this little light to survive.

"I'm sorry…" he whimpered, the water pouring from his blood red eyes staining Kira's shihakusho as he made unconscious attempts to dry them with the boy's clothes.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to hit…"

His eyes were sore. So much so that they were now bloodshot from all of the crying he was doing. He did not even think for one minute that Kira could have backed away from him, or that he could have taken a smack at him and told him to back off.

But of course, that wasn't Kira.

"Taichou…"

Gin continued to sob quietly, his arms still embracing the little Izuru, still crying, not really noticing Kira looking down at him with… maybe pity? Sympathy?

But Gin didn't want sympathy, only forgiveness.

He only wanted to be washed clean of his sins and the sins done against him. He wanted freedom, and maybe Kira could be some sort of refuge, some sort of sanctuary away from all of the hurt and the abuse and the pain.

Maybe he knew. Maybe Kira knew what it was like. Maybe he knew what it felt like to be this way, but somehow, for some reason, Kira Izuru chose to be that sanctuary.

"It's okay."

Warmth. A warmth he had not felt for a long, long time. Warmth from an embrace. The warmth of forgiveness for his mistakes instead of a cruel beating.

No words were spoken. Nothing was said. Gin just let the warmth of Kira's almost loving embrace wash over him. And he didn't want to hurt any more. He didn't want to cause harm; he didn't want to hurt another person, or self harm. His heart slowed down from its erratic beating and his eyes slowly dried. He was still sore and aching but the hurt from inside was going away. Gin choked on a few more sobs before managing to recompose, his voice still shaking and his body trembling slightly as he moved his hands to lightly grip Kira's forearms, tilting his head upwards to look into Izuru's eyes again. His voice now hoarse from all of the times he had screamed as he spoke.

"Izuru… Can we go back to normal?"

Kira smiled wearily. Judging from the look in his eyes, and the understanding reflecting in those oceanic orbs, maybe he did know what had gone on. Maybe he really did know what lied behind that smile, the smile that had been shattered right in front of him.

"Yeah. Of course."

* * *

"What is there to darkness without that little ray of light that gives us something to cling onto, and give us the hope that all will be made right again, and that this suffering will somehow end?"  
- TDW


	17. New toy

updating regularly: I fail at it. Original story projects and such have officially taken over now, I'm spreading my wings a bit. But I am determined to finish this story if it kills me, so I just hope that people will still read despite me shamefully neglecting to write more of this.

now, it has been a while – a long while – since I wrote the last chapter so I may be a bit shaky getting back into this story again. Just bear with it, things will all smooth out soon.

Side note – I hate reading over all my old work, especially for these stories since they all cross reference. It just hurts my eyes to read over, I used to really suck. But then again, you have to suck first before you get better.

Anyway, enjoy the new chapters to come. They will hopefully have better writing and some more drama.

* * *

For those for whom the sex act has come to seem mechanical and merely the meeting and manipulation of body parts, there often remains a hunger which can be called metaphysical but which is not recognized as such, and which seeks satisfaction in physical danger, or sometimes in torture, suicide, or murder.  
- Marshall McLuhan

**Chapter 14: New toy**

As time gradually passed, things indeed seemed to return to normal between Gin and Izuru. Although Gin's life never really would, or _could _go back to anything even slightly resembling 'normal', at least the relationship he had with Kira was slowly repairing itself and some of the hurt was starting to disappear. Even if the physical aches still existed from all of Aizen's ever continuing abuse.

And, as more and more time passed, Aizen's regular violations and sexual abuse of his body steadily began to show in the way Gin acted, and all of the marks on his body and the scars that seemed to take eternity to heal. They showed in the almost constant bruises on his neck and his wrists, and his aching legs that often struggled to support him. They showed in the ache in his limbs and in his difficulty in moving. They showed in the ever present dark circles underneath his half closed eyes from lack of sleep, and in his often bloodshot eyes from crying. And they also showed in the numerous self inflicted cuts along the lengths of his wrists that helped Gin to cope with the emotional traumas inflicted upon him. Despite doing everything that Aizen asked of him.

But those cuts and bruises were kept hidden from view, so on the outside everything appeared to be fine. And the smiling mask Gin wore to protect himself very quickly became permanently fixed to his face to keep the secrets he could never tell a single soul hidden from the world. And it did protect him, because this mask was made to be flawless.

And because it was flawless, everyone that encountered the permanently smiling man - Kira especially - became convinced it was real and not the façade it was meant to be. So all the while Kira remained blissfully unaware of what went on behind the scenes, and unknowing of the pain that was inflicted both mentally and physically on Gin's fragile body, thinking that he was serving under a happy taichou. But the fact still remained that no matter how realistic and believable the pretence that Gin was fine and all was well in his world was - it was still just pretence. It was just lies. Because although on the surface he was smiling, Gin still cried and suffered some unspeakable horrors in private.

These horrors occurred on a regular basis now, and Gin soon learned that fighting them was useless. The pain would be inflicted no matter what he said or did, so in the end he just gave in to it. He gave in to the pain; he gave in to the torture. He gave in and let his abuser make the bruises and get the pleasure from tearing his body apart repeatedly. He gave in to the rough, meaningless, unloving and often painful sex. He would just be overpowered and taken by force anyway if he struggled, so why bother? The result was the same whether he fought back or not. It would always be the same.

And it always _was _the same, and it _did _always hurt. Always. Aizen made sure that he hurt. Digging his fingers into his wrists when he held Gin down to make him bleed, making him cry out with each violent thrust into him, and even pulling him by the hair on his head just to inflict pain and gain his compliance. And then Gin would just be left there to pick himself up again. Often sleeping in that same position on the floor, not even being able to move because his body ached and bled so much. And today was not going to be any different from the others.

It was a warm morning, and although the sun was already up and Gin was awake, he could not physically move without pain coursing through him. So he just lay there. Fortunately, he was lying on a futon, and even though his joints screamed in agony every time he tried to move, he was grateful that he wasn't lying naked on the cold floor instead.

He groaned as he tried to lift himself up and onto his shaking legs, whimpering quietly with every step he took. Managing to dress himself without falling over as he was prone to doing after being abused. He thought about getting a shower, but decided against it. He would have to pass the mirror above the sink and he didn't particularly want to see his reflection. He left the room quietly and closed the door behind him, walking out into the morning air. Deciding to walk around on his own for a little while to try and get his legs used to walking before he strolled into the office, he took the scenic route through the streets. Nobody he knew would be there, and it was still very early in the morning for anyone to be up and about anyway, so he figured he was safe. He walked slowly at first, because his legs just wouldn't stop shaking, but eventually he became steadier on his feet. Although his body still ached at least he was able to walk without anyone noticing anything. It would be disastrous if somebody sent him for a medical examination after noticing he was limping, because then he would have to explain how he got the bruises and if he had to really come clean he didn't think he could ever outlive the shame. He would be ridiculed! He was supposed to be strong, not some pathetic shinigami that couldn't fight his own battles. And besides that, Aizen would have his head and do much worse things to him if he told anyone anything, so he had to remain silent.

As the pain slowly, ever so slowly, began to subside, Gin began the long walk towards the barracks, putting on his metaphorical mask along the way, trying to shove the thoughts of the night before to the very back of his mind, despite how hard that was to do when the memories were so fresh.

He was running a little late, so he decided to take a little bit of a short cut, crossing the path along by the sixth division barracks to save some time. As he approached, though the strangest sight met his eyes.

He caught a glimpse of Izuru, and Hinamori standing there talking.

"Oh, how odd…" he muttered to himself, thinking it strange. Izuru wasn't one to skip out on work, and usually arrived early, so why was he here?

"Hm, better go investigate." he said, forcing the smile to reappear on his pale face as he made his way casually over there, passing an angry yet silent captain Kuchiki along his way. Then quickly spotting Izuru and Hinamori and walking quietly up behind them.

"Oh my, that Kuchiki Taichou is scary." He said, very casually joining into their conversation, and making Kira nearly jump out of his skin. "Wha's goin' on 'ere? Did somethin' happen?"

"Oh, Taichou…" Kira answered, trying to catch his breath. "Renji got attacked, but Kuchiki Taichou won't let us get him help."

"Yeah," Hinamori added in, looking down sadly at her wounded friend. "And he's in pretty bad shape too."

Gin looked at Renji, noticing his wounds were quite severe. And very quickly he realised that he actually had the power to override Kuchiki's orders, so he offered to help them.

"Oh, then we better go get 'im some help." Gin smiled, the mask doing it's job perfectly. "Come along Izuru, let's go get a message over to the fourth company."

Izuru followed him obediently, leaving Hinamori to thank Gin and watch over Renji's injured body as they walked away.

Gin walked with Izuru in silence. The memories from the previous night still replaying themselves over and over in his head and forcing their way back into his focus. And no matter how much Gin tried, he couldn't shake the feeling of being trapped, of hands holding him down. The feeling of being violated and toyed with against his will. He couldn't breathe, he started to shake. All he could hear was that cold voice in his ear as he was lying on his stomach pinned down and being fucked.

_"Why can't you just do as I say, Gin?" _

His heart thumped, his breaths grew shorter. Again he was back there in that room, desperate for an escape that would never exist for him.

And he thought about the reason why: Izuru. He was the reason for all this. This all started to escalate when little Kira came into the picture. This was his fault that Gin was being toyed with in this fashion. So Gin thought that he may as well get his own toy, use Kira instead – after all, what did he have to lose? It was all Kira's fault anyway. Why should he be the only one being used?

Still they walked on, Gin leading the way blindly, as if by subconscious navigation. Anger slowly creping in to replace his fear; the anger that everything was taken from him, at how he was hurt and made to feel unloved and unwanted. He wanted to hurt, he wanted to scream and shout and inflict pain.

And Gin had been ordered to make Kira loyal to him anyway, why not through those very same methods used on him? He had nothing to lose any more, so why not? Why not toy with his little Izuru?

As they walked blindly through the streets and pathways, Kira looked around sheepishly, although Gin didn't notice it.

"Ta…Taichou? Where are we going?" he asked, his voice shaking. Suddenly quite aware of just how much Gin as shaking, and how secluded a place they were in.

Gin said nothing. Which only further unnerved Izuru.

"Ta- Taichou?"

Gin still said nothing. He just lunged for him, consumed with anger, hate, and amusement at the thoughts of hurting Izuru in the same way. Slamming Kira hard against the brick wall beside them and holding him there by the throat.

"So, little Izuru…" Gin drawled, with a wicked grin on his face again. "Just how badly _do_ ya want me to help ya out?"

He watched Kira try to struggle, whimpering and trembling. Oh the poor thing, so scared of him…

"What's wrong? You do want me to help Renji out don't you?"

He watched and listened to Kira whimper again, feeling him tremble violently. And Gin watched him with much enjoyment as he squeezed his neck, causing his fukutaichou more pain.

"Well, do you? Answer me Izuru-kun, I aint got all day."

Kira coughed, managing to choke out a reply. "Yes."

"Then you'll have to give me what I want first… just don't scream."

"Why?"

His smile widened just a little as he tightened his grip around Kira's throat, letting his other hand snake down into Kira's clothes and onto his bare skin. Letting his fingertips linger there for just a moment before scratching him, drawing out blood. Making Kira scream, Gin really dug in quite hard into such a vulnerable place.

"I told you not to scream." Gin said, thoroughly enjoying this. Kira was in the palm of his hand. It looked like his loyalty really _would _be his downfall...

"So," Gin continued, still firmly holding Kira in place, "I'll help Renji out fer ya, if… you obey my orders; whatever they may be…"

Gin carried on, the cracks beginning to show in his metaphorical mask as he added the rest with pleasure, in a low, very hushed voice, only audible to Izuru's ears.

"And in exchange, if I help you…" he added, in nothing more than a low whisper, "you have to give me everything. You have to give me all of you."

Gin dug in his nails harder, not even letting Kira think. Gin was going to get what he wanted, one way or another. Smirking viciously when he got the answer he wanted.

"Please Taichou, you have to help Renji. I… I'll do whatever you say, please..."

"Then… do you swear yourself to me?"

He watched Kira swallow hard, feeling his hot blood steadily trickling down the length of his pale fingers as he dug in harder, shoving him down onto the floor and pinning him on his back, completely overpowering him. Not that Kira could really move anyway, he was too scared to even speak.

But still, Gin waited for his answer, looking down on Kira like the pathetic creature he was, straddling him and holding him down with his weight.

"Well, _do you? _Answer me Kira…"

Gin dug his fingers further into Kira's wound, eliciting another scream from him. He was beginning to lose his patience now.

"I don't have all fucking day here Kira~"

Kira screamed again, unable to take much more, feeling Gins fingers probing into his wounds, really taking in the look of pure fear in Kira's ocean coloured eyes as he stared down into them. Listening to him scream.

"Ahhh! Gods, Yes! Yes I swear! Just please stop!"

Gin's smile widened again. "Good." He said sternly, releasing his hold and getting up, leaving Kira there on the floor, panting and whimpering. He dusted himself off and turned back to look at his handiwork.

"Go see Unohana Taichou about Renji." He said, his voice becoming cold and unfeeling as he dusted himself off. "Tell them I sent you."

And with that, Gin walked away, taking one last look at him before he went, leaving Kira there, alone and afraid.

He was quite satisfied - for now. And so he began on the long walk back, heading towards the barracks of the fifth division, because even subconsciously he knew that Aizen wanted to see him again.


End file.
